Wednesday, May 27, 2009

One of those things

People always seem to amaze me. There will always be those people who have no regard for other peoples’ feelings, and don’t care who they hurt. I have known a few of those people in my life. These fast few weeks have been extremely hard on me. I wish I knew how I could correct my negative feelings, and turn everything around, but I can’t seem to find the strength to do it. Yesterday it felt like one more load, as someone I have always loved and cared for, threw out words that were harsh and uncalled for. It stung, and I sat in my office crying, yet again for the umpteenth time this month. I came home, and was grateful for a husband who held me, and allowed me to just hurt. I am not sure how many more times I can allow people to just walk all over me, but some of them are use to it. I guess in a lot of ways Jonathan was not the first person who mentally and emotionally beat me up, it has been happening since I was a little girl.

Today, I sat pondering my life, and where I am at. I, of course, compared myself to who I use to be through the years. For some strange reason I remembered something from back when I was 17. As a teenager and adult, I have battled depression pretty bad. I don’t think anyone truly knows how bad I really get, other than my own mother. But I was remembering back when I was in a low time in my life, and I remembered an episode of Oprah. She encouraged her audience to make a list of five things everyday that they were thankful for. It reminds me of the song, “Count Your Many Blessings”. Through doing this, and the aid of some medication, I started to feel better. I desperately want to feel better, and do the things that I desire to do for my family and in other areas of my life. So as I need it more than ever, here are the top 5 things I am thankful for today:

1. My foundation, my rock, my love, Mark. Today when things were the hardest, he wanted to do everything to take care of things. He understands me, and is truly my best friend. For him, I want to be better.

2. My little piece of laughter, my light, my strength, Grant. I am truly blessed to be his mommy. My Heavenly Father knew I would need something to keep me getting up every day for. This little boy has brought so much meaning and brightness into my world, I can only be amazed with him.

3. My job. Had I not been “promoted” in the beginning, I would be out of a job about now. It helps pay the bills. It also allows me to interact with people who make me laugh, and allow me to do my “own” thang.

4. The Church. It has brought so many blessings into my life, and I am grateful for my parents raising me, and teaching me right from wrong.

5. I am grateful that my primary physician came to find me, knowing I needed help and was denied it from my OB.

I pray that I will soon feel better, and move on from this, again. Sorry to whine (or be annoying) on this.


Brenda Sue said...

I think I need to make a list of my blessings too! I've been having a rough time. You know my phone number if you EVER need to talk or cry. I'm here for you! It's the least I can do for you after all you have done for me the past 9 months

Salazar Family said...

It is so hard being pregnant. It seriously doesn't help with depression or any other bad feelings someone has about themselves! Just keep going, you are a beautiful, awesome person and I hope you feel better soon!! Call if you need to chat, we both know you've heard plenty from me!!

Angela and Moe said...

I'm glad you shared what you are grateful for. I too have those times when I feel so down, and making lists help me too. I also try to find some way that I can serve someone else. It usually helps me realize that everyone has it rough, and we're all in it together! I hope soon things will start to get better.

Kendi said...

Oh Rachel. I hope you know that I love and admire you! I am grateful for you and for your example. The older I get the more I come to realize that this really is not an easy test but I do know that Heavenly Father loves us and He has designed each of our tests to teach us and prepare us for what He wants so desperatley to give us, which is eternal life. As I have faced my own painful struggles it has helped me to know that He is ALWAYS there and He will ALWAYS help me! I know that He is there for you and will help you too!

I am so grateful that you found Mark. I hope you know that I really do love him and I am so so happy for you!

Hang in there and call me if you need a shoulder to cry on!