I usually don't post religious post, mainly because I often fear that people will roll their eyes or judge me. I realize that this is something that I need to get over, because I am not ashamed of the church, nor am I ashamed of my testimony. This has been an interesting week, as far as testimony growth goes.
Last Sunday was a general stake conference for Arizona. My in laws, bless their hearts, had the kids sit with them. This left Mark and I with the ability to listen! Sister Barbara Thompson (2nd counselor in the General Relief Society Presidency) spoke about faith. She told a story about how she wanted to know the Book of Mormon was true before she started seminary. She read it over the summer and as she finished the last few chapters, she made sure everything around her was in order. She had cleaned her room, and made sure she was in a place where she could receive revelation about the truth of the book. She knelt down and prayed about it, but to her amazement nothing came. She just felt at peace about things. Some times you have to just recognize that you already know the answer.
On Monday I received an email letting me know that my cousin, Katie, would probably be passing away within the week. Katie is the oldest of the cousins on the Bingham side... And my memories of her are limited. But I know and remembered how incredibly awesome she was. As I heard this news, my heart sank and I was left with a surprising ache. My cousin, Alison, summed it up best... If I were in her shoes, could I have the faith that she had? Could I leave my children, knowing that it was the Lord's will?
That night I sent a text to a friend of mine asking her how someone has unwavering faith. Her reply was that she didn't know. I am extremely grateful that I get the ensign!! That night I happened to pick up where I left off the night before, which was a talk which was given by Bishop Richard C. Edgley. With all of my questions regarding why Heavenly Father would take Katie away, I read, "If confusion and hopelessness weigh on your mind, choose to "awake and arouse your faculties" (Alma 32:27). Humbly approaching the Lord with a broken heard and contrite spirit is the pathway to truth and the Lord's way of light, knowledge, and peace." And he later went on to say, "Because of my faith, I approach the unknown, unseen and unexplained with unquestioning assurance."
Wow. I felt as if a little of my sadness had been lifted, because I do have faith that the Lord know why he is doing this, and that there is a bigger plan. The next day I went and visited with my mother in law. I brought the topic up, and like a brick it hit me!! I would like to think that I would have the same faith she did, but the reason I struggle so hard about it is because of Grant. There are details about my previous marriage that I hate to think about. But it is because of that marriage that I have Grant. If anything is to happen to me, I cannot say what would happen to him. I know that Mark would fight for him, but in the end, it's up to the court. I'm petrified that Grant would go to be with someone he does not know, and would be scared. I would not be there physically to help him, and to love him. I know he would not get the love and attention he so desperately needs. Because of this reason, I fear death.
Today was Katie's funeral, and I have yet to hear how things went. I am positive that there were many tears shed, and many great memories shared. I am sad that I was unable to attend. But I know that some day we will meet again, and I will be so happy to tell her how much her faith has helped mine.
OK, there is my ensign post. I'm sorry my thoughts are all over the place!!